Question
My mother was unwell, so I asked my uncle for help with preparing food. During that time, I purchased groceries for both our family and the four members of my uncle’s family. In addition, I paid them ₹4,500 per month and provided a significant amount of financial assistance whenever needed.
However, my aunt, who is my uncle’s wife, often portrays the situation as though they supported us by providing food free of charge. She rarely acknowledges the financial support I gave their family.
My wife is currently living with her parents because of differences between us. Whenever I visit my wife or try to reconcile and bring her home, my aunt verbally abuses me. She has also made hurtful remarks about my mother, calling her an ugly woman who does not bathe. I also feel that she does not treat my children with genuine care or affection.
Over time, these experiences caused me a great deal of pain and disappointment. Eventually, I stopped talking to my aunt and uncle and cut off contact with them.
Was this the right reaction? What might be the psychology behind their behaviour? How can I handle this situation from both a psychological and Zen perspective? If they try to talk to me again, how should I respond? And how can I view their actions with awareness rather than judgment?
Expert Answer
Your reaction is understandable. When someone repeatedly experiences disrespect, criticism, or emotional hurt, creating distance can sometimes be a healthy boundary rather than an act of anger.
The important question is not whether you stopped talking to them, but whether the decision came from clarity or from emotional reactivity.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Their Behaviour
There could be several psychological factors at play.
1. Entitlement
When people receive help repeatedly, they may gradually begin to view that help as normal rather than as an act of generosity.
Over time, gratitude can fade and expectations can grow. What was once appreciated may eventually be taken for granted.
2. Narrative Control
Some people unconsciously create stories that allow them to see themselves as the helper or the hero.
Your aunt may gain a sense of validation by presenting herself as the person who supported your family, even if the reality was more balanced and complex.
3. Projection
People sometimes criticize others for qualities they struggle with within themselves.
Harsh judgments and personal attacks often reveal more about the emotional state of the critic than about the person being criticised.
4. Family Power Dynamics
Family relationships can become strained when someone starts setting boundaries or becoming more independent.
In such situations, resistance may show up as criticism, guilt, blame, or emotional pressure.
A Zen Perspective
Instead of thinking:
“They are bad people.”
Try seeing the situation as:
“They are acting according to their conditioning, fears, desires, and limitations.”
This perspective is not about excusing their behaviour.
It is about protecting your own peace of mind from resentment and hatred.
A useful Zen reflection is:
“People can only give from the level of awareness they currently possess.”
If someone carries insecurity, resentment, anger, or selfishness within them, that is often what they naturally express towards others.
If They Try to Talk to You Again
Stay calm, brief, and respectful.
You do not need to justify your entire history or explain every sacrifice you made.
A simple response could be:
“I appreciate whatever help was given. I do not want to argue about the past. I wish everyone well, but I expect mutual respect. I prefer relationships that are based on healthy boundaries and understanding.”
This allows you to maintain self-respect without creating further conflict.
What Not to Do
Try to avoid:
- Listing every rupee you spent.
- Trying to prove who helped whom.
- Seeking recognition or gratitude.
- Repeatedly arguing about past events.
Why?
Because people rarely change their version of the story simply because they are confronted with facts.
As a Zen teacher might say:
“Do not seek justice from those who benefit from misunderstanding you.”
Practising Awareness Instead of Judgment
When painful memories arise, notice your emotions without turning them into permanent labels about the other person.
Observe:
- The hurt.
- The disappointment.
- The anger.
- The sadness.
But avoid turning those emotions into fixed conclusions such as:
“They are terrible people.”
Awareness means seeing what happened clearly without becoming trapped by bitterness.
The Balanced Path
A psychologically healthy and Zen-oriented response may look like this:
- Forgive internally.
- Maintain boundaries externally.
- Stay respectful.
- Refuse disrespect.
- Wish them well.
- Keep a healthy distance if necessary.
This is often the middle path between attachment and hostility.
As the Zen saying goes:
“Do not carry the person on your back after the encounter is over.”
Protect your peace, but do not allow bitterness to take permanent residence in your heart.
Sarvam Shubham. May all be well. 🙏